The Associated Pest

WE REPORT & DECIDE

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Kim Kardashian: Shining Example for America’s Youth

May 4th, 2009 · No Comments

Last week on the way to work I saw Alan Colmes (formerly of Hannity and Colmes) on the uptown 6 train, probably on the way to a taping at Fox. Let me tell you something-Alan Colmes sans make-up is not a pretty sight. Fox needed a shriveled, whiny-voiced, effete liberal for it’s viewers to demonize, I get it; but matching this guy up against Hannity’s youth pastor/quarterback looks on a TV show was stacking the deck, visually speaking.  It’s like the TV vs. radio audience in the JFK-Nixon debates: If you WATCH it, you get the impression Hannity always wins.  He’s smiling, and he isn’t ugly or sweaty!  But if you LISTEN, Colmes is the one scoring all the real points.

However much Colmes annoyed me by often remaining silent and letting Sean spout lies, he would sometimes get in a well-placed shot or two and make Sean all red-faced and flustered. He was mostly an easy target for Hannity and his guests, but he was not a complete pushover. Which is why I was curious about what Sean would do when Alan left the show–when he finally had a clear path to get his agenda across uninterrupted…

Answer: Sean is filling the time by addressing the major stories in our country today, like what Kim Kardashian has been up to lately.  Last week Hannity had Kardashian on his show FOR AN INTERVIEW.  Now Kim doesn’t DO anything that I’m aware of, but I have one up on Sean–I know why she’s famous.  Kim is famous because she took off her panties on camera and let a D-list rapper nail her point-blank in front of a camera, then leaked the footage all over the internet, seemingly on purpose.  Boom, instant popularity.

What’s great is that Sean’s producers forgot to tell him about this.  So on his show, he claimed Kardashian was a “role model” for young girls, and held her up as a shining example for the youth of America.  Literally the only reason anyone in America knows the Kardashian name is because we’ve seen her hoo-ha on camera. Now I don’t pretend Sean knew about this–clearly he does not believe America’s daughters should all become internet porn stars. I just point it out because it demonstrates how little research the guy does on guests, or you know, facts.

Then there was the segment Hannity devoted last week to exploring the practice of exorcism, and the incidence of demon posession–complete with lots of clips from The Exorcist.  The man devoted ten or twelve minutes to talking about the issue of demon posession in America today.  What’s next, Sean?  How to avoid contracting leprosy when we go get our water at the well?  Maybe a “how-to” episode for ark-building.  I’d like to see a Fox News survey of how many people had to cast out demons in the past year, but I’m actually afraid of what the results might be.

Out of everything the nation is facing, everything the guy could have talked about…demon posession and Kim Kardashian, really?  Well, whatever…we gotta fill that time-slot somehow I guess.  Way to remain relevant, big guy.

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Republicans Struggle to Stop the Bleeding

April 28th, 2009 · No Comments

Well, the big news today–aside from that high speed big-rig chase, and some alarmist swine-flu coverage–was that Sen. Arlen Specter has decided to join the ranks of the Democrats.

Welcome, Senator. Speaking as an independent who began voting Democrat in 2004: the beer is colder, the chicks are hotter, and you don’t have to wear a tie all of the time.  Here is your swag bag, complete with the obligatory pair of Birkenstock’s and some tie-dyed t-shirts.

But seriously–while some are already claiming this is rock-bottom for the G.O.P., many Republicans weren’t surprised. Specter has long voted with Democrats on lots of key social issues–but more than that, and what R’s don’t seem to get, is that the entire NATION is moving left. Specter is just following his constituency, which already abandoned the party in hundreds of thousands, to register as Democrats in the last election.

So many Republican power brokers–Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, John Boehner–have suggested that the reason McCain got drilled is because he wasn’t conservative enough.  It seems increasingly obvious that the opposite was true–McCain DID appeal to indy’s, and lots of moderate R’s too, but when his campaign pulled a 180 and made the baffling strategic choice of selecting Palin as a running mate, it doomed him.  It won him the base at the expense of, uh, everybody.  You only have to look below at my last posting to see that–strange as it seems now–independent voters liked the ol’ Maverick, at one point in time.

But after their defeat, many Republicans closed ranks, and adopted a “with us or against us” attitude.  It didn’t take long for Sarah and her boy Joe the Unlicensed Plumber to ram a shiv in Mac’s back once he lost–like the time Palin said she couldn’t find anyone she wanted to pray with on his campaign bus.

Now the G.O.P. is hemorraging powerful Senators.  With Franken soon to be confirmed in Minnesota, they’ll soon be all but powerless.  What can they do to reverse this trend, and win back the moderates and independents that have deserted them in disgust?  If the R’s don’t start listening to Megan McCain and people like her, we may actually witness the death of a political party.  It’s what happened to the Whigs–they splintered off into groups that were all obsessed with one thing, ended up being unable to accomplish ANY of their goals, and were forced to disband.

If they want to remain viable, the G.O.P. needs to take two BIG steps to the left, and get on the same page with the majority of Americans.  If not, they will keep on dividing themselves against each other until there’s nothing.

Which frankly, I will really enjoy watching.

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A Big Thank-You to Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter!

February 11th, 2008 · No Comments

It’s certainly been a riveting past couple of weeks, particularly in the political arena; the biggest stories being the establishment of John McCain as the undisputed front-runner for the Republicans, and the surprising deadlock between Obama and Clinton for the Democrats–with many pundits cautiously predicting Obama to gain further ground.

What shocked many–including whack-job conservative fire-breathers like Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh–is that McCain had it so easy. The so-called “more conservative” candidates (Romney and Huckabee) got smoked by about five hundred delegates. But how did that happen? This is a conservative nation, if you hear talk-radio tell it.

The only problem is that it isn’t. This current administration has covered itself in the conservative banner and colors, in effect hijacking the vocabulary–and now “conservatism” has become synonymous with expensive wars fought under false pretenses, lying officials serving jail-time, and drilling for a few meager drops of oil in national parks–go figure that shit out, but if you ask someone who still likes Bush to tell you what “conservative” means to them you will not hear one word about fiscal conservatism, not today. You’ll just get an angry rant about abortion or immigration, and an insistence that Bush has a some sort of direct line, red Bat-telephone straight to Jesus.

It isn’t shocking that Republicans have ignored Coulter and Limbaugh–they are nothing but ugly, angry talking heads who will say anything to sell books and boost their ratings. They have been totally irrelevant to the national conversation for years, the mid-nineties probably. In fact, most thinking people realize at this point: Just do the complete and total opposite of whatever Rush and Ann are telling you to do, and you pretty much can’t go wrong.

Their hilarious backflips and pitiful, shrieking protests over the party’s failure to put forth another idealogical nut-job who’s politically to the right of Mussolini have done nothing but signify to Republicans that they actually just did something right! If these two are angry, surely Baby Jesus is happy. They are powerless entertainers, no more influential than an endorsement from Billy Bob or Sean Penn, and their freak-out has done nothing but encourage more support for McCain–even from me!

Keep in mind, six months ago I would have told you I might not vote for a Republican–EVER, EVER AGAIN. For a while it seemed like they were all either pure-evil or trying to sleep with young boys while on a meth-binge (Ted Haggard, Jim West, the other R. from FL, forgot his name, Mark something.) With the advent of McCain, they’ve actually put someone up who I think is basically a good person and actually is with the national opinion on a few of the big issues.

I still won’t vote for him–I’m backing Obama this year–but I might at least have to do some thinking and a little more research before I voted for Hill-dog over McCain. Even if I was a registered R (And I’m an Independent, if anyone is wondering), I would have to think about the D’s this year just to teach the GOP a lesson: “Don’t you ever, ever do that again. Any of it.” And I have to thank Rush and Ann here again–most reasonable people know these are foaming psychopaths, their-anti endorsement of McCain turned into an ACTUAL endorsement.

I know McCain has his problems–like his brilliant comment to stay in Iraq for 100 years–but, if he wins, I may not flee the country in terror to live out his entire term in Indonesia. I won’t freak out. I’ll be bummed Barack didn’t win, but I won’t wig out the way I might have if a soulless asshole like Romney or a complete idiot like the Huckster had done it (sorry–in 2008, running a man who thinks Adam named the dinosaurs is a national embarrassment).

Like I said, I still won’t vote for him–the GOP may never get me back (I voted for W. in 2000. Shut up, I was like 12.), but they succeeded in putting forth the only Republican I could even *conceive* of voting for–a genuine war hero, and a seemingly good man (let’s just forget about his ex-wives for right now). It’s the only thing they could have done to reach out to all the people they’ve pissed off (roughly 70 % of the nation). Too bad for them, it’s still not going to be enough:)

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Tom Brady Under Suicide Watch

February 4th, 2008 · 2 Comments

Phoenix, Arizona–

Tom Brady was placed under twenty four hour surveillance today as a result of last night’s humiliating, soul-crushing loss to the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII.

The ruggedly handsome quarterback’s mental state was a major concern to his girlfriend, smoking-hot international supermodel Gisele Bundchen.

“He couldn’t sleep after the game, of course,” Bundchen told news teams waiting at St. Luke’s Medical Center for word of her boyfriend.

“I brought out his old Super Bowl rings to cheer him up…nothing worked, not even when I asked him if he’d like to make very athletic love to me in a pile of money with a few of my equally hot model friends tossed in there.  When he didn’t seem interested I got worried, so I’ve invoked the Baker Act in case he tries to gash open an artery or something.”

The doctors and mental health professionals at St. Luke’s agreed that it was normal for someone to be crushed after losing a Super Bowl, but noted that Brady’s reaction was worse than many they’d seen before, perhaps due to the greater responsibility for a game’s outcome that a quarterback must own up to.

“I can confirm we are keeping a very close eye on Mr. Brady while he is being treated here,” said Dr. Elliott Lloyd, one of the professionals working with the troubled sports hero.

Brady and Bundchen’s scheduled post-Super Bowl trip to the lush tropical paradise of St. Bart’s–where they planned to drink brightly colored beverages with umbrellas, frolic in the surf, eat lots of rich foods such as Maine lobster, Kobe beef and foie gras, and have sex all goddamned day–has been postponed, according to a member of Brady’s inner circle.

“It is throwing off our plans of trotting the globe this summer on our jet-setting tour,” Bundchen agreed.  “I’d ordered plenty of ridiculously expensive top shelf liquors for the grueling, arduous private jet rides.  Tom’s favorite is Remy Martin Louis XVIII, but as soon as he saw those Roman numerals on the label it brought the game back to him, and he just went totally to pieces.”

All reports indicate that Brady will continue to wallow in his own freakish misery for some time.

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Super Tuesday, 4 Not-So-Super Candidates and How Healthcare Might Have been Saved

February 1st, 2008 · 1 Comment

Super Tuesday is almost upon us, and I am feeling more depressed than ever at the state of our political landscape. How many elections have we gone through hearing the same rhetoric only to leave us disappointed malcontents? Buzz words are the name of the game this year… yeah I know Washington is broken, yeah I know we need change…. but aren’t these the same people that have been in Washington supposedly trying to make changes? If we really wanted to fix Washington and have change, we should drum up a few random folks who have never held political office long enough to be comprimised, stick their asses in Washington, and be rid of these baffoons with their slick hair, fake smiles and gestures, and verbal diarrhea. That would be change!

Universal healthcare, as it has been for the last 3 presidential campaigns, is a hot button topic. Everyone’s got a plan or an idea… like usual. Maybe if these presidential hopefuls took their millions in campaign money and used it to serve the people instead of swooning the people we could have had it already. Let’s explore this further, shall we?

Of candidates who have dropped out of the race so far, the money they raised was approximately $200 million! Leading that category were Rudy Giuliani and John Edwards at approximately $61 and $44 million respectively. Do you think we could have given some healthcare to a few Americans with that money? How bout the $115 million Hillary has raised? How bout the $80 million Barack raised? How bout the 86 Romney raised? Or how bout the 38 McCain has raised?

How sick (no pun intended) of a country are we to let this injustice happen while actually putting a bumper sticker on our cars, or a sign in our lawns to support this corruption? Oh surely we want change…BUT AT WHAT PRICE ARE WE WILLING TO PAY FOR IT?

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Super Sunday an Omen for Super Tuesday?

January 31st, 2008 · 2 Comments

What a super week the first in February will prove to be. While media eyes sensationalize this historic Super Tuesday primary, most of the country has their sights set on Super Sunday. Generally, sports and politics are on separate sides of the spectrum, yet this year these two events may be foreshadowing the same future. This Tuesday, we discover which two candidates have a 50/50 shot of leading our country through this upcoming landmark term, while this Sunday we witness a classical David vs Goliath, except that in this scenario the Lord-chosen David is the little Giant, while the Wicked and powerful Goliath is…

A Patriot? [Read more →]

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Scientology Finds a New Enemy: The Internets!

January 26th, 2008 · No Comments

For those living in a cave for the last few days, a group calling itself Anonymous has formally declared war on Scientology. The group, a loosely affiliated band of ne’er do wells, wannabe hackers, and internet junkies have come together to fight a common foe. Let’s take a minute to catch up. [Read more →]

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Cougars Give Me Hope

January 22nd, 2008 · 1 Comment

During an early Saturday evening, while watching my regularly scheduled programming, I came across a show recorded on my dvr called “The Secret Lives of Women.” (Oh MY! How did THAT get there?) I love this show because it documents how women that look like the town librarian secretly have a sex dungeon in their basement, and they are not afraid to let the world know. It inspires me to finally finish decorating MY secret room in the basement. [Read more →]

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Giants Post-game Press Conference a “Cliche Nightmare”

January 21st, 2008 · 1 Comment

Green Bay, Wisconsin–

The New York Giants are going to the Super Bowl, thanks to a thrilling overtime win in subzero weather.  Moments afterwards, Eli Manning read a vicious, prepared statement at a post-game press conference in the visitor’s locker room that unleashed a fusillade of sports cliches so numerous and meaningless they threatened to murder every sports reporter in the vicinity by boring them to death.

“I’d just like to thank God for this victory.  Everyone on the team gave 110%, and I felt we really gelled as a team.  You take what the defense gives you, and this is a really tough place to play, but we don’t play these games on paper.”

This initial pointless gathering of cliched nonsense was enough to stun the crowd into silence, but Manning kept right on hammering away on the offensive.

“Both teams were playing at a very high level.  We came out of the locker room fired up, and guys stepped up and made plays.  The most important thing is that we left it all out there on the field.  Whatever the fuck that means,” Manning added.

At this point receiver Plaxico Burress took the microphone and gave his summation of the game to the packed room of reporters.  Upon reflecting about what he felt were keys to winning the game, Burress noted,”I think today we had to play up to our potential, come out and take car of business, and definitely not look past these guys.  So in the end we rose to the occasion, refused to be intimidated, and stuck to our real bread and butter offense.”

Some of the members of the media, stricken by the utter banality and lack of creativity apparent in the brains of both athletes, began to surge towards the exits, overcome by the horrific and total lack of substance in anything either athlete had said.

“I mean, we cranked it up, then we controlled the tempo of the game, and eliminated our mental mistakes.  When you capitalize on your opportunities like we did, you also have the chance to take your game to the next level,” Burress continued, adding insult to injury to the god-forsaken writers trying to write up a press conference that won’t double as a narcotic sedative.

The losing quarterback Brett Favre had little to say as he made his way to the parking lot, but did stop to tell one reporter.  “Hey, we all just went out there and had fun.  And at the end of the day, you just want to be able to say you tried your best.”

Moments later Favre was bludgeoned to death by a mob of frustrated reporters.

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Zits and White Hair

January 13th, 2008 · No Comments

Several days past I woke at my usual morning-time of around two o’clock in the afternoon and stumbled into the bathroom to shave.  As I sleepily butchered up my face I noticed something I haven’t had to deal with for a while– a pimple on my chin.  Of course I still get small blemishes from time to time, but this one was nasty; a survivor from middle school or early high school.

It was a painful and angry red bump, the kind you can feel all day long as a physical presence, and it was perhaps hours from reaching the point where it turns pus-yellow and cries out to be popped.  This may not have bothered me much if I hadn’t noticed at the same time a few random sprouts of white hairs on my chin–not even gray, I’m apparently skipping ahead straight to white.

What kind of bullshit is this?  I’m 27, and somehow simultaneously young enough to still get bad pimples yet also to have the beginnings of a white beard.  It just doesn’t seem fair.  I’m stuck in this no-man’s land of aging where I’m equally prone to reckless, testosterone-driven outbursts of bad behavior and poor decision making, as well as assuming the uncomfortable position as the mature, calm voice of reason (seriously, it’s happened).

Well, I didn’t have the hours to wait with a warm washcloth on my face bringing this sucker to a head, so I tried for a preemptive popping.  It hurt like a sonofabitch, turned really red and filled up with crap.  But it wouldn’t break, it just became harder than granite and sat there, mocking my best efforts to resemble an adult.

I guess this is my own aging-related cross to bear.  It’s hard to gracefully rock zits and white facial hair, but I’m just going to take it as a challenge and find a way.  Things could be worse.  I haven’t gotten fat, addicted, OR married, and my hairline hasn’t moved an inch.  Now if I can just remember where I stashed that reliable tube of tinted Clearasil cream back in high school…

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