The Associated Pest

New York City, Oct. 15th

In a bid to stave off recent charges of his questionable masculinity, Democratic Presidential hopeful John Edwards fought and defeated inflammatory conservative columnist Ann Coulter yesterday in a three-round exhibition boxing match at Madison Square Garden—leaving the writer and pundit in critical condition.

In recent weeks Coulter had fired several shots at the noted Nancy-boy Edwards, claiming to be “more of a man” than Edwards, or any other “liberal.” In response, Edwards’ campaign management issued a terse three word challenge: “Bring it, tramp.”

Edwards (3 and 0) third-round KO of Coulter (0 and 1) seemed to end the debate. While many observers were quick to note that Coulter possessed an edge in such stereotypically masculine areas as stubbornness and inability to ask for directions, Edwards clearly came out ahead in certain more traditional measurements of manliness, such as upper body strength and hand-speed.

By the end of round two, a visibly shaken Coulter was bleeding from the mouth, nose and ears. Edwards seemed to toy with Coulter in the first two rounds, utilizing his testosterone-based superior firepower to land numerous body shots, as well as several bell-ringing haymakers that left the smaller, weaker fighter staggering.

As the fighters emerged from their corners for round three, Edwards decided enough was enough. Shouting “Sho-ryu-ken!” a-la Super Streetfighter II, Edwards unleashed a running uppercut that connected squarely with Coulter’s jaw, sending her sprawling to the mat, issuing copious geysers of blood from each nostril.

Coulter suffered a shattered jaw, fractured eye-socket and punctured eardrum as a result of the match. She is currently recuperating from her injuries at Beth Israel Medical Center.

After the bout, Edwards kept his comments at the press conference mercifully brief—unlike the cruelly prolonged and withering beating he had just delivered to Coulter. “I had a feeling I would win, because I’m a guy and she’s a chick, and I’m faster and stronger then her, frankly. Barring any special combat training, I’m not sure why she thought she had a chance.” As he left the press conference, Edwards added over his shoulder, “Don’t start none, won’t be none.”

Counting his last victory against former Chief Justice William Rehnquist, this brings Edwards to 3-0, and makes him undefeated at Madison Square Garden.

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