The Associated Pest

By Gabe

Section 1- Introduction and Basics

I have become a professional time killer and thought I would write this handbook to help you, the reader, get through these inevitable situations. Have you ever had a job interview and got there too early? Have you ever been waiting around for a date or a person to arrive? Have you ever had a delayed flight? All these situations and more arise, and I’m here to help you get through them. My proven methods will help you leap from novice to avid time-killer with easy to learn, step by step instruction. I’m an exceptionally prompt person, usually to the extreme that I’m a half-hour to an hour early for most meetings. This has given me countless hours of experience on the subject. I’ve decided to share these personal insights to help you become a professional time-killer as well.

First things first. Though it may be thought of as “unseemly” or “undesirable” I recommend the time-killing novice take up smoking cigarettes. Years of independent research and experimentation has found that this is quite possibly the best time-killing apparatus Best enjoyed with a cup of coffee, this method will yield incredible results. A cigarette takes approximately 4 to 5 minutes to smoke completely. In a 30 minute waiting situation this could yield you nearly 1/6 of your needed time. I think those numbers speak for themselves. Of course, 2 cigarettes will cut that to 1/3 of the waiting time. Therefore my advice is to smoke at least 2 cigarettes for every half-hour of waiting. This will also calm your mind, as the nicotene has a soothing effect on your nervous system. This brings me to the first rule of time killing:

Rule #1 AN ANXIOUS TIME KILLER IS NOT AN EFFICIENT TIME KILLER

Every time-killer should do some research on the city he or she lives in, or the city they will be visiting. I recommend you find out where the nearest public park, oceanfront, or lakefront view is. Putting yourself in front of some beautiful scenery aids the thinking processes. You can contact the department of tourism in your locality to find out this information.

Rule #2 TIME KILLING SHOULD BE A CONTEMPLATIVE EXPERIENCE. USE YOUR TIME WISELY TO PREPARE FOR YOUR MEETING OR DATE.

If you are in need of 45 minutes to an hour of time killing I recommend you search out a large, chain bookstore. Though I’m generally not an advocate for large chains, the Barnes and Noble and Borders of the world allow for some stress free, no hassle loitering. Here you can read a book or magazine without anyone becoming impatient with you. And for the non-reader, you can listen to CDs in the music sections of such establishments. There is of course the cafe where you can spend a little time sipping a brew or picking at some desert. There are many diversions to be found here. Explore your options.

Rule #3 LOITER WHERE YOU WILL NOT BE HASSLED

If you need closer to an hour of time killing I’d recommend finding the shopping district or mall nearby. Though these places are less desirable in terms of scenery and congestion, you might find a world of possiblities, and a little excercise walking from shop to shop. For obvious reasons, the outdoor shopping option is much more desirable. This offers fresh air, and the occasional bench to enjoy a cigarette and people-watch. In the areas of the southern US, I would suggest the indoor option, for hygenic reasons. You wouldn’t want to finally get to you desired destination/meeting, sweaty and foul-smelling.

Rule #4 EXERCISE HELPS PREPARE YOUR MIND

Walk a few blocks and do some serious soul searching. Think about the conversations you will have. If you are waiting for a date, come up with some talking points to avoid the “awkward silences.” The exercise will calm your nerves and allow free flow of thoughts.

You have now finished the first section of this series. In the coming lessons I will get into much more detail on 1 hour time-killing slots, and also attack the inevitable “flight delay” and “airport layover” situations. These are precarious time-killing arenas where your options are limited, but my expertise can guide you through. Until next time………………………May your time killing be wisely used.

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