The Associated Pest

By Steve

In an unusual move, the U.N. issued a non-binding resolution today asking that actress and singer Lindsay Lohan be extradited immediately from her home in Los Angeles, California and made to submit to a one hour torture session of waterboarding as punishment for her recent drunk driving arrest. The questionable practice involves simultaneously pouring water into the victim’s mouth and nose, in effect making them believe they are drowning.

“Waterboarding is a no-brainer for me,” stated U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon gleefully as he fielded questions at the U.N.’s press conference. “That lousy little tramp has got to learn to keep off the roads when she’s on the sauce.” While the act is expressly forbidden in the U.S. military’s field manual as an interrogation tactic, non-military agencies such as the CIA are not prohibited from waterboarding. Ideally, Lohan would be detained by local police forces in California until transport to a CIA black-site interrogation facility can be arranged, where her torture could then legally take place on U.S. soil.

“This sends a clear message to anorexic horrow-show drunken train-wreck celebutante bed-hoppers everywhere that we will no longer tolerate them boozing it up then running into other people in their cars,” Ban Ki-moon claimed in his opening statement.

In addition to the waterboarding, the “Mean Girls” star was given 150 hours of community service and sentenced to mandatory substance abuse counseling.

“Yeah, I guess you could say it was a prett-y slow week here at the ol’ U of N,” Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon conceded, shrugging casually as he stepped down from the podium.

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