The Associated Pest

I get a bit of fan e-mail here at the Associated Pest. No big deal. A lot of questions, some scattered praise, an odd death threat or two (or twelve). But one question I get from male readers continually stumps me, and it probably accounts for at least half of our site’s mail bag. I’m speaking of course of the age old debate: What is the best way to beat your wife?

Well, wonder no longer readers, because Dr. Muhammad Al-’Arifi has the answer. Finally, a little hands-on advice (get it? “hands on?” that’s a little domestic battery humor for ya) when it comes to the finer points of using corporal punishment to discipline the old lady.

Just check the site here, which has a link to the video of his sermon recorded from a Saudi TV program, I think the official state-sponsored channel. 

Al-’Arifi drops all sorts of brilliant gems on us, like, “If he beats her, the beatings must be light and must not make her face ugly.” Not that anyone would know, seeing as they dress their women like ninja-mummies. But deep down, they would know that underneath the billowy black wraps that their woman was all cut up and swollen and unattractively bruised. So the message here is, stick to the back and legs when engaging in some wife-beating.

See, the important thing is not to lose your temper when you’re slapping around the old girl. I know, I know–”but Steve, the only time I feel like beating my wife is when I’m good and angry!” Well, you’re just plain missing the point. Wife beating isn’t about getting your rage out, it’s about pointing out to those crazy chicks what they’re doing wrong, like trying to learn how to do algebra, or drive a car, or escaping a burning building without being properly covered.

And don’t forget, beating should be last resort. There are all kinds of punishments you can dole out to shape her up, such as the tried and true “refusing to share their beds.” What’s that? Doesn’t sound like very stiff punishment, ladies? Well, clearly you haven’t been in the sack with the bushy-bearded freight train of love that IS Dr. Muhammad Al-’Arifi.

Yeah, it’s a good thing there are classy dudes like Dr. Al-’Arifi around to tell us how to handle these unruly chicks. I’m definitely adopting his philosophy on wife beating. And once the ladies know that I don’t even hit in the face, I’ll be beating them away with a stick! (Haha, just kidding. Sticks are forbidden, everyone knows that!) After all it’s like the man says: “Even if you want your camel or donkey to start walking, you are not allowed to beat it in the face.”

See, girls are just like camels and donkeys! It’s so simple! Ah, radical Muslim clerics…is there anything they don’t know?

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