The Associated Pest

- A Guest Blog by Ritter -

Forget terrorism, governmental conspiracy, Avian flu and global warming. We have a true disaster on our hands that might bee serious. The problem is the decline in common honeybees from the mysterious Colony Collapse Disorder, which according to consumer affairs could cost 14 billion a year in lost produce domestically. It could also bring on a global food shortage as bees are responsible for 80% of insect pollination. This will not only affect honey and vegetable production, but the concentric effects could span to meat, eggs and dairy.

Researchers have many theories as to what may be responsible, ranging from fungus and pesticides, to overstressed colonies and malnutrition. Even cell phones have been brought under fire after researchers at Landau University found that bees would abandon their hives when phones were put next to them.

As usual, researchers are missing the clues. Here at The Pest, we pride ourselves on our deductive abilities, and hope this knowledge can lead to a conviction, and a cure.

This is not a natural plague, but has been caused by a single man (insert Newman voice) SEINFELD. That’s right, this latest global epidemic could be one of the worlds most nefarious marketing schemes. Think about it. Is it just coincidence that in 2005, a mere 2 years after the comedians brainchild “Bee Movie” was hatched, that bee populations began declining? Or how about the fact that the story conveniently broke just a couple months before last weekends opener.

For the last month Seinfeld has been marketing pretty hard, blackmailing NBC into changing its slogan to NbeeC and appearing on every talk show that would have him including Live with Regis and Kelly, and The View. If nothing else, this proves that he’s desperate and willing to do anything.

So far, the only clue researchers have found has been a virus showing up in remainders of lost colonies called the Israeli acute paralysis virus. Hmm, I wonder if the popular Jewish star might have some virulent Israeli connections.
His wife Jessica has been quoted as saying “I can’t explain a coincidence like this, but I applaud it”

When asked to comment Michael Richards, better known as the sporadic Kramer, drunkenly mumbled something sounding like “that filthy Tigger” he later apologized profusely to all creatures with bounce. And in another Poo-like-coincidence Jason Alexander, apparently tipped off ahead of time, bought hundreds of clay honey pots. He supposedly spends hours a day in the corner pawing gobs of honey into his mouth. Witnesses have described it as “not cute at all, but just plain disturbing.”

In other reactions, stiff collar conservatives while enraged claiming that the relationship between Seinfeld’s character and Renée Zellweger in the movie promotes beestiality, seem quite happy about the impeding crisis. They claim that most of the bees immigrated here illegally, and are stealing the jobs of other American born insects. Meanwhile gay-lovin-left-wingers , saddened by the prospect of a flowerless existence stand behind the bees claiming that they do the jobs no one else wants to do.

Bipartisan politics aside, if Seinfeld was planning on using an ecological crisis for promotional purposes he could have at least had the decency to make it not suck! Unfortunately critics across the board agree that Seinfeld’s movie does in fact suck, just not quite as much as the loss of our global food supply.

Last 5 posts by RiTT da ReDD

• Super Sunday an Omen for Super Tuesday? - January 31st, 2008
• An Enlightened Resolution - January 8th, 2008
• Dirty Hippie Actions Won't Save World - December 19th, 2007
• It's Not a Small World After All - December 7th, 2007
• A "Phenomenal" Question - November 20th, 2007