The Associated Pest

In a revelation that is sure to stun all of New York City, East Village resident Jonathan Simmers noted to several of his fellow bar patrons that the Village was, in fact, “not about the music anymore.” In addition, Simmers felt that the neighborhood “used to be cool, until it was infiltrated by all the moneyed, yuppie-ish types.”

“This neighborhood used to be totally H-core, man,” Simmers, 20, remarked to his black leather jacket-clad friends at the bar.

As the late afternoon sunset filtered through the circa-1950’s red and green stained-glass windows of the pub, Simmers let his true feelings be known. “I mean, back in the late sixties and seventies, this neighborhood was a hotbed of political dissidence. Now, I dunno. It isn’t like it used to be back in the day,” lamented the NYU college sophomore. “There are so many posers around now that it just doesn’t feel authentic.”

Other late teen and early twenty-something NYU and Columbia underclassmen in the area were quick to agree that the Village was no longer on the cutting edge of liberal politics.

“Lemme tell ya sumpin, man. Place used to be all, y’know, fuckin, fuck-it. Y’know? Now chicks all got these stupid, baggy hats on, and they’re walking these little faggy toy dogs around. That ain’t punk.”

Bystander Leopold Bivens seconded the notion.

“Despite the fact I moved here last January and that I’m also only 19, I think it’s fairly evident that this neighborhood used to be cool, but is now totally gentrified. Nobody drinks like they used to, when people around here embraced utter oblivion and nothingness. Also, it used to be about the music. Am I right?”

“The fact that it’s even still a little bit cool to live here just bespeaks to how cool it used to be,” said East Village resident Vanessa Seabold. “I mean, it’s been so obviously not cool for years now. It’s just the reverberations of that original coolness that we’re still feeling today, that are still working to drive up the rent. Despite all these new-school wankers you get around here now.”

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