The Associated Pest

In a stunning turn of events, local man Gary Schmidt confessed that he was. in fact, too depressed to even masturbate.

“I can’t even really jizz,” said Schmidt. “I mean, I get hard and kinda rub on it, but still, it’s not very satisfying,” the area construction worker told friends and family. Local pundits agreed that Schmidt lacked the stamina and motivation to achieve climax, and in fact was too discombobulated to even bust a but.

“Sure, I’ve failed to bust a nut while masturbating before, but this is different,” Schmidt claimed while fruitlessly pounding away on his pud. “Seriously, I’ve been whaling away on my peter for like six minutes,” the well-known masturbator told an observing crowd of nearly three thousand.

According to reports from Schmidt’s neighbors, the world-class masturbator has been hopelessly whacking away on his schlong–to no visible effect–for at least four minutes.

“What’s really wild is that I don’t even have nutting as an ultimate goal in mind when I do it,” Schmidt admitted to the assembled crowd and media. “I just don’t have anything better to do, so I start whacking away for lack of a greater purpose. Basically, it’s the most futile activity ever devised by man.”

Local authorities were puzzled by Schmidt’s purposeless self gratification, and resolved to make an arrest in the case before the end of the month.

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