The Associated Pest

Attn: Pest Readers

The following is a copy of the letter I recently sent the Sci-Fi Channel, asking someone to answer for the crime against art and humanity that IS their adaptation of the H.G. Wells classic science fiction novel, “War of the Worlds.”

Dear Sci-Fi Channel,
I don’t typically do this, but what I saw last night has made me feel a moral obligation to contact you.  Last night in the course of my work duties I was compelled to watch your “War of the Worlds” film adaptation of the Orson Welles classic. Believe me, if I had not been forced to, I would never have wasted those two precious hours of my life.

This was the most flawed movie I have ever had the misfortune to view, and it was hard for me to believe it was filmed this decade.  There was exposition masquerading as dialouge in every exchange, the acting was atrocious, the special effects were laughably inept, and the actors were hateful–particularly the lead.

I won’t name him and no one would recognize the name if I did, but this man was the most unsympathetic protagonist I have ever seen, even worse than the guy from “Time Chasers.”  I despised him by the end, and was hoping he and his family would die horribly at the hands of the aliens.  The director must have raided all his talent from a first year acting class at a local community college.  It wasn’t clear if a character was being sarcastic or serious or contempuous…I was confused about the emotional state and motivations of every single character.

None of the lines seemed to even logically follow.  Conversations didn’t flow, it was like they hadn’t heard what the person they were speaking to had just said, which led to bafflingly idiotic exchanges.  A guy will make some tortured confession about how he became estranged from his father, and then someone would answer that dramatic revelation with “My feet hurt.”

Keep in mind this as an adaptation of “War of the Worlds,” which is nothing less than the bedrock of science fiction.  Without this book we have no “Independence Day,” no “Close Encounters,” no “Mars Attacks,” no “Alien”…I could go on and on.  Along with Jules Verne, Phillip K. Dick, and Isaac Asimov, H.G. Wells is a master of the genre.  This film is an insult to his masterpiece on every level, and if I were a relative of his I would sue the Sci-Fi Network for defamation.  Not only does it insult the author, it insults Orson Welles legendary retelling of the story over public radio.  I would rather have just listened to the old recording of that broadcast than be forced to sit through this trash again.

This was not a movie but a cinematic abortion.  It’s just that there was NOTHING redeeming about this film.  It failed on every level.  If you’d let me, I could shoot a better movie starring only myself in my apartment with an old Canon XL1.  I understand there is a special effects budget, but those aliens, it wasn’t even clear what they were doing, if they were interacting with anyone.  How did one SNEAK UP on the hero!  You made them bigger than buildings!  It was not even CGI, it was stop-motion and cutaways on a par with “King  Kong”–the one filmed in the thirties.

I would appreciate a response, as I can’t find any good or logical reasons as to why or how this movie got made.  Time seemed to slow down for me as this interminable “film” dragged on and on.  At first I was laughing and merely amused, but this quickly morphed into a deep-seated rage and disgust that anyone could have thought this was watchable.  This dreck would have driven Joel and the robots to open the airlock and kill themselves if Dr. Forrester had ever foisted it upon them.

Someone must answer for this.  Who at your channel allowed this tragic farce to happen?  Why did they think they could add something to one of the most told and re-told stories ever–”aliens invade the planet”–particularly when a massive Hollywood flick starring Tom Cruise with an unlimited budget hit theaters LAST YEAR?  Everyone involved with this movie on any level, even the Key Grip and the Best Boy, should be subjected to a tribunal and then shot, again and again until they die.

I want justice.

-Sincerely,

Steve Hirst

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