The Associated Pest

Green Bay, Wisconsin–

The New York Giants are going to the Super Bowl, thanks to a thrilling overtime win in subzero weather.  Moments afterwards, Eli Manning read a vicious, prepared statement at a post-game press conference in the visitor’s locker room that unleashed a fusillade of sports cliches so numerous and meaningless they threatened to murder every sports reporter in the vicinity by boring them to death.

“I’d just like to thank God for this victory.  Everyone on the team gave 110%, and I felt we really gelled as a team.  You take what the defense gives you, and this is a really tough place to play, but we don’t play these games on paper.”

This initial pointless gathering of cliched nonsense was enough to stun the crowd into silence, but Manning kept right on hammering away on the offensive.

“Both teams were playing at a very high level.  We came out of the locker room fired up, and guys stepped up and made plays.  The most important thing is that we left it all out there on the field.  Whatever the fuck that means,” Manning added.

At this point receiver Plaxico Burress took the microphone and gave his summation of the game to the packed room of reporters.  Upon reflecting about what he felt were keys to winning the game, Burress noted,”I think today we had to play up to our potential, come out and take car of business, and definitely not look past these guys.  So in the end we rose to the occasion, refused to be intimidated, and stuck to our real bread and butter offense.”

Some of the members of the media, stricken by the utter banality and lack of creativity apparent in the brains of both athletes, began to surge towards the exits, overcome by the horrific and total lack of substance in anything either athlete had said.

“I mean, we cranked it up, then we controlled the tempo of the game, and eliminated our mental mistakes.  When you capitalize on your opportunities like we did, you also have the chance to take your game to the next level,” Burress continued, adding insult to injury to the god-forsaken writers trying to write up a press conference that won’t double as a narcotic sedative.

The losing quarterback Brett Favre had little to say as he made his way to the parking lot, but did stop to tell one reporter.  “Hey, we all just went out there and had fun.  And at the end of the day, you just want to be able to say you tried your best.”

Moments later Favre was bludgeoned to death by a mob of frustrated reporters.

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