Counter-point: Beowulf Trailer Awesome, Hitman Trailer a Tragic Farce

Upon viewing the trailer for the upcoming Beowulf movie, I was overcome with desire to watch the trailer a second time, and perhaps even a third. This trailer had it all–epic sword-fights, fire breathing dragons, a battle with a man-eating demon, and what appears to be a nude Angelina Jolie. That’s right, she’s coming out of this pool or something and I swear she is butt-ass. I think the movie is R, so I’m sure they are totally gonna show it (maybe even bush?).

Yeah, I’ve seen the Hitman trailer my esteemed colleague heaps praise on, and the bogus-ness of this mediocre excuse for a feature can hardly be overstated. They play this overblown, classical soundtrack that screams pretentious, and then they feature the same old shots from the same old shoot-em-up movies, bullets flying, people rolling across tables, bla bla bla. But at least those clips had stuff happening. There were also a bunch of out of place, artsy shots of the hitman just standing around with his tie fluttering in the breeze, or a shot of someone walking across a room. Does the director think he’s making a real movie or something, and not the disposable marketing tie-in that he is in fact producing? Furthermore, my sources reveal that not once did Angelina Jolie even appear in this movie! Much less remove any clothing!

Beowulf is based on an ancient epic poem, and in fact represents nothing less than the first great story that we have in the English language. It is one of the most influential things ever written. Hitman is based on a fucking video game that is a rip-off of more popular, better video-game where you run around aimlessly and shoot people (Grand Theft Auto, anyone?). Any plot this movie claims to have will necessarily be a bunch of tacked on, ludicrous claptrap. Even their little tag-lines are hateful and ridiculous: “This Friday…a sinner will become a saint.” Ooooh, redemption! What a novel concept. I’ve certainly never seen anything where the bad guy becomes the good guy, way to think outside the box.

In short, fuck this poorly assembled, pathetic trailer for a hackneyed film. This cookie-cutter shoot-em-up will suck, hard, and I predict it will haunt the careers of all involved for the rest of their lives, staying with them like an illness, forever a blight on their professional and personal life, cloaking them in failure and choking off their hopes and dreams.

Mr. Grace’s choice in movie trailers reflects his poor breeding and barnyard roots. I can only wish him the best, and a speedy recovery from whatever mental illness may have possessed him when he wrote his trailer review. Also, Angelina Jolie definitely gets naked in Beowulf. JP Grace doesn’t like Beowulf. I’m just sayin’.

Related:

• JP’s Hitman Trailer Movie Review

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