Outraged Christians Stage Protest

December 2nd, St. Petersburg, FL–

Outrage continued to build over the weekend as the congregation of the First United Methodist Church of St. Petersburg staged a public demonstration downtown that nearly turned into a riot, calling for the public decapitation of local school teacher Adrianna Robbins.

Earlier in the week Robbins had allowed the children in her third grade class at Leila G. Davis Elementary School to name the classroom hamster Jesus, prompting the outcry and calls for bloodshed.

“If Jesus were here right now, I don’t think he’d be laughing,” said concerned parent Dorothy Peters. “He’d be righteously pissed off, and I think he would want to witness the brutal execution of Mrs. Robbins personally.”

Although Robbins has been suspended from her teaching position without pay for one week, religious authorities have deemed the act blasphemous, and a blight on all of Christianity. The Senior Pastor of the church, Lloyd Thompson, said allowing the class to name the hamster Jesus was “disrespectful of the Savior, and disrespectful to the philosophies of peace, love and forgiveness that He preached.”

“I realize she’s been punished, but we feel the suspension and loss of wages is far too lenient. Our church favors a public beheading, to really send a message,” added Thompson.

The pastor and many members of his congregation spent the day demonstrating downtown, brandishing machetes and other large knives and swords, (which could theoretically be used to cut off Robbin’s head) chanting violent slogans, and overturning parked cars then setting them on fire.  Members of the church also burned several effigies of Robbins throughout the day.

“I just feel sorry for the hamster,” commented school principal Kurt Hammond.  “Little Jesus has been so brave through all of this.”

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