Tom Brady Under Suicide Watch

Phoenix, Arizona–

Tom Brady was placed under twenty four hour surveillance today as a result of last night’s humiliating, soul-crushing loss to the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII.

The ruggedly handsome quarterback’s mental state was a major concern to his girlfriend, smoking-hot international supermodel Gisele Bundchen.

“He couldn’t sleep after the game, of course,” Bundchen told news teams waiting at St. Luke’s Medical Center for word of her boyfriend.

“I brought out his old Super Bowl rings to cheer him up…nothing worked, not even when I asked him if he’d like to make very athletic love to me in a pile of money with a few of my equally hot model friends tossed in there.  When he didn’t seem interested I got worried, so I’ve invoked the Baker Act in case he tries to gash open an artery or something.”

The doctors and mental health professionals at St. Luke’s agreed that it was normal for someone to be crushed after losing a Super Bowl, but noted that Brady’s reaction was worse than many they’d seen before, perhaps due to the greater responsibility for a game’s outcome that a quarterback must own up to.

“I can confirm we are keeping a very close eye on Mr. Brady while he is being treated here,” said Dr. Elliott Lloyd, one of the professionals working with the troubled sports hero.

Brady and Bundchen’s scheduled post-Super Bowl trip to the lush tropical paradise of St. Bart’s–where they planned to drink brightly colored beverages with umbrellas, frolic in the surf, eat lots of rich foods such as Maine lobster, Kobe beef and foie gras, and have sex all goddamned day–has been postponed, according to a member of Brady’s inner circle.

“It is throwing off our plans of trotting the globe this summer on our jet-setting tour,” Bundchen agreed.  “I’d ordered plenty of ridiculously expensive top shelf liquors for the grueling, arduous private jet rides.  Tom’s favorite is Remy Martin Louis XVIII, but as soon as he saw those Roman numerals on the label it brought the game back to him, and he just went totally to pieces.”

All reports indicate that Brady will continue to wallow in his own freakish misery for some time.

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