Dumbledore Gay; Voldemort into Group Sex

Coming on the heels of her revelation at a Q and A session earlier in the week that Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, was indeed gay, world famous author of the Harry Potter series J.K. Rowling again stunned the public with a new announcement: Voldemort and his Death-Eaters regularly engaged in wife-swapping, daisy chains, and other group sex activity, including amphetamine-fueled Romanesque orgies “lasting up to eight hours,” Rowling noted.

Topping that, Rowling went on to reveal that her character Professor McGonagall, another faculty member from the Harry Potter series, was into auto-erotic asphyxiation. “McGonagall likes to be choked when she’s having sex–in fact, she needs her airway cut off in order to reach orgasm,” said the famed author. “I know it seems shocking, but if you’ve been reading all along, you will see that the clues are there.”

Perhaps most stunning of all the additional insights on character’s sexualities that Rowling provided was the suggestion that Ron’s abandoning Harry and Hermione in book 7, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” was due to the tension between the three resulting from a “butterbeer” induced three-way that ended with Hermione being finger-cuffed by Harry and Ron.

“They were all drinking in the tent one night, one thing led to another…Ron thought it would be exciting, but in truth he wasn’t mature enough to deal with it,” said Rowling as the crowd of parents stared on with horror-stricken faces, their hands held firmly over their children’s ears.

However, Rowling was reluctant to comment on one fans’ question about whether or not Professor Severus Snape was a foot fetishist/enthusiast. “I think that question is just in poor taste,” the author said disdainfully as she shook her head. “Teen group sex and auto-erotic asphyxiation are one matter, but some things are better left to the imagination, don’t you agree?”

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