The Associated Pest

It’s certainly been a riveting past couple of weeks, particularly in the political arena; the biggest stories being the establishment of John McCain as the undisputed front-runner for the Republicans, and the surprising deadlock between Obama and Clinton for the Democrats–with many pundits cautiously predicting Obama to gain further ground.
What shocked many–including whack-job conservative fire-breathers […]

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Phoenix, Arizona–
Tom Brady was placed under twenty four hour surveillance today as a result of last night’s humiliating, soul-crushing loss to the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII.
The ruggedly handsome quarterback’s mental state was a major concern to his girlfriend, smoking-hot international supermodel Gisele Bundchen.
“He couldn’t sleep after the game, of course,” Bundchen told […]

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During an early Saturday evening, while watching my regularly scheduled programming, I came across a show recorded on my dvr called “The Secret Lives of Women.” (Oh MY! How did THAT get there?) I love this show because it documents how women that look like the town librarian secretly have a sex dungeon in their […]

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Green Bay, Wisconsin–
The New York Giants are going to the Super Bowl, thanks to a thrilling overtime win in subzero weather.  Moments afterwards, Eli Manning read a vicious, prepared statement at a post-game press conference in the visitor’s locker room that unleashed a fusillade of sports cliches so numerous and meaningless they threatened to murder […]

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Several days past I woke at my usual morning-time of around two o’clock in the afternoon and stumbled into the bathroom to shave.  As I sleepily butchered up my face I noticed something I haven’t had to deal with for a while– a pimple on my chin.  Of course I still get small blemishes from […]

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 I may be treading into my esteemed colleague the Southsnake’s territory with this week’s post, but my hometown duties call to me.  The Bucs and the Giants will meet in the playoffs in less than an hour from the time I type this, and I daresay I’m not much of a man if I don’t […]

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The results of the most recent Pest Poll are in and readers have chosen that “Home” is the best place for our US military presence to be right now. “Home” received an overwhelming 62% of all votes, handily beating out “Darfur” (12%), “Afghanistan” (9%), Iran (8%), “Iraq” (5%), and “Korea” (4%).
“We are definitely spreading […]

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Attn: Pest Readers
The following is a copy of the letter I recently sent the Sci-Fi Channel, asking someone to answer for the crime against art and humanity that IS their adaptation of the H.G. Wells classic science fiction novel, “War of the Worlds.”
Dear Sci-Fi Channel,
I don’t typically do this, but what I saw last night […]

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I’m not a big fan of needles. I am also scared I have some strange disease, that I’d be happier if I never knew about. Today I shed 27 long years of fear and decided to donate my blood. Well, actually a woman accosted me in my office and I just […]

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December 2nd, St. Petersburg, FL–
Outrage continued to build over the weekend as the congregation of the First United Methodist Church of St. Petersburg staged a public demonstration downtown that nearly turned into a riot, calling for the public decapitation of local school teacher Adrianna Robbins.
Earlier in the week Robbins had allowed the children in her […]

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